you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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