i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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