I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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