No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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