My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
