No stitches, just platelets and will power
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
