i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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