who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
