I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
