we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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