i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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