The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
