i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
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