buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
