i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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