Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
