I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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