I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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