I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
