I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You're like the curious george of whores
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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