shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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