well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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