Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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