Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
