Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
