these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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