The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
