I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
