so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
