And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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