I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
