What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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