We're facebook friends in real life
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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