FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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