When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
