I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
