can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
