I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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