Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
