I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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