Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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