and i looked up. we had an audience...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
