While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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