You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
