I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
