Just fell off a train. Bad.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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