if i can run in heels then i can drive
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
