She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
