Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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