I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
