he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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