He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
