just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
